Who gave me belief or mentorship?
This is easily the most painful question to answer, because there isn’t anyone. I never had a long-term positive role model in my life. Briefly I had a few men who meant a lot to me and guided me through various times — my grandfather when I was very young, a great boss when I was in my late twenties and early thirties. But largely there was no mentor who gave me the belief or the mentorship that helped me slowly claw and drag my belly out of that hole.
Every man needs a north star
Men need mentors, role models and leaders in their life. It’s important to have a north star. Something to look down the long road of life at and aim toward. Someone who has scars, and sweat and dust-soaked skin, to point forward to the top of the hill and say: it’s this way, son. It will be hard, but it will be worth it.
I didn’t have that man.
Finding a mentor when there isn’t one
So I borrowed them.
While I didn’t have direct contact with a mentor, there are men throughout history I use as a proxy for one. One of the many reasons I went on to write this book is because I found mentors through books. Great men of history who led extraordinary lives — I could study them and feel connected to that. Someone to live up to. Someone who set an example of greatness.
A few of them stand out as men I am in awe of.
Miyamoto Musashi
The great swordsman and philosopher in the history of Japan, and in my mind the world. He set his mind so dedicated to his pursuit that nothing could stop him. He fought more than sixty duels against accomplished samurai — and he died of old age. His writings influence me greatly even today.
Bruce Lee
Most people know him for the movies, and that’s fine. But his life and his behavior are astounding, and they formed at least some of my thoughts on how a man should go through the world.
He trained and taught non-Chinese people — men and women of all colors, in a time of lingering segregation. That put him strongly on the wrong side of his own culture and community. How many of us would be that brave?
That’s not all. He then studied a wide variety of martial arts disciplines, and by doing so took a long, cold, hard look at his own culture’s treasure, Wing Chun. That led him to the uncomfortable position of understanding that parts of this celebrated icon of Chinese heritage were flawed. So he went about that same level of reflection and analysis on many other martial arts. It created his own art, Jeet Kune Do — which was more of an operating system than a formal martial art.
Imagine the gall of this man. What was worse is that he was right, and he had the physical ability to back it all up. His strength to go against the grain, cultural norms and traditions. Standing resolute against the crowd, confident in his personal beliefs. That is a true master of one’s self.
The rest of the bench
Theodore Roosevelt, for his positive masculinity. Martin Luther King, for his unimaginable courage in the face of deep personal danger — his belief in his mission and in the good of all men is nothing short of astounding.
Fictional heroes can light a man’s path forward too, and give us something to aspire to. I’ve always been fond of the Reacher series. The hero, physical advantages aside, has a proud moral compass despite overwhelming odds.
And Marcus Aurelius, the greatest emperor of Rome. His stoic writings are something every human on the planet can learn from. The way he is constantly improving his personal operating system, and really takes stoicism into a daily useful practice, is so powerful.
If nobody is coming
Here is what I want you to take from this. If you are waiting for someone to show up and believe in you before you start, you may be waiting a long time. I waited most of my life. Finding a mentor is not always possible, but finding a model to follow always is.
Go to the library instead. Pick men and women who lived the way you want to live, and study them like your life depends on it. Because it might.
Next chapter: The Scarlet F →